


heaven (we hope) is up the road

by sirenofodysseus



Series: Cavalier [1]
Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Apocalypse - y/n, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Major Character Undeath, Major character death - Freeform, crackish, mentions of zombie apocalypse and sharknado
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4709777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirenofodysseus/pseuds/sirenofodysseus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This isn’t the apocalypse,” Lisbon argued, because she had always imagined the apocalypse as fire and brimstone—not as fucking goddamned robots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	heaven (we hope) is up the road

**Author's Note:**

> I AM BACK AGAIN. 
> 
> I think this started as a relatively ~serious idea and uh, it somehow ended up spiraling into a series of interconnected one-shots all about the "new world" and my h/c bingo card. So yeah, please forgive me (or don't, because I seriously have lost my mind. ;P)

Returning to consciousness, Grace Van Pelt suddenly found herself unarmed and restrained to the piping of a bathroom sink. The florescent-lit room, with a single swaying lightbulb above her head, smelled strongly of musk and decay causing her to yank the restraints frantically. The metal _clanked_ and the pipes _groaned_ , but her restraints remained and she immediately panicked; her heart traipsing against her ribcage at the fact she had no idea where she was—or even, _who_ she was with. Even more concerning, however, was the fact that she couldn’t remember anything past the closed-case pizza she had shared with Rigsby and Cho.  

                Her stomach gurgled.

                _How long ago had that been?_ She wondered with another yank of her restraints. The metal _clanked_ again and she grimaced, before she glanced over her shoulder only to spot a single bathroom door constricting her view to freedom. On the _positive_ side, Grace suspected that her kidnappers (because why else would she be restrained to a _sink_ pipe?) were naïve to the entire _keeping a hostage_ scenario, which helped calm her racing heart down slightly.

                She glanced around the room, baiting her breath and looking for an all-too-familiar signature of red above her head.  Grace found nothing and her shoulders slumped. Red John wasn’t behind her kidnapping either. She wasn’t being used as _bait_ in some twisted game, between the serial killer Red John and CBI Consultant Patrick Jane. Besides, if Red John _had_ kidnapped her—Grace doubted she’d be seeing the inside of a bathroom, and that immediately filled her with hope.

                Grace smiled slightly. _It’s the little things_ , she thought.

 

::::

 

                “Why in the _hell_ did I let you restrain my Junior Agent?” Teresa Lisbon snapped at Craig O’Laughlin, who merely blinked at her from his spot next to Ray Haffner. “She’s not dangerous.” O’Laughlin said nothing, leaning back to drape his left arm over the decrepit couch and she grimaced. Maybe he had been afraid she’d shoot him, considering the _last time_ they had all crossed paths. But regardless! How in the _hell_ could he stay so calm, especially after…

                Haffner clucked his tongue at her. “We don’t know that, Teresa. You plucked her and Agent Wainwright out, after Patrick Jane had attempted to rewire their hardware.” She watched O’Laughlin flinch, his fingers inches from her arm and she couldn’t help but smirk at his minimal reaction.

                “Can we refrain, please, from using robot terminology for the next millennium?” And even though she felt the same way, she still thought the fucking bastard deserved to die for shooting her in the shoulder last year. “Personally, I’d like to move past this entire nightmare.” Across from Raymond Haffner, an ex-CBI agent and Visualize enthusiast, Lorelei Martins snorted and Lisbon eyed the brunet woman in distrust. O’Laughlin flashed his toothy smile toward Martins, while Lisbon merely pictured repeatedly slamming her fist into his face.

                Twenty-four hours ago, she hadn’t imagined sitting in a windowless room with _any_ of these three, while two of her co-workers remained restrained somewhere else inside the building. In fact, twenty-four hours ago, she had been pissed with Patrick Jane for nearly costing them a case and had been considering a _temporary_ unitreassignment for the unruly consultant. She hadn’t imagined, once in that entire period, having her life flipped upside down by the reappearance of her three least favorite people ever.

                “Don’t look so sour, Teresa,” Martins said, glancing down at her nails. “I’m trying to survive this, just as much as you all are.”

                “If your master didn’t bring it upon us first,” Lisbon replied and Haffner shifted, his neutral expression immediately souring at her words.

                “I _highly_ doubt Red John knows advanced mechanics, Teresa.” O’Laughlin nodded, murmuring his agreement to Haffner’s statement.

                “Besides,” Lorelei continued with a slight smirk. “Red John wanted _you_ dead, remember?” Lisbon’s grimace deepened at Lorelei’s causal reminder that Red John had wanted her head, nearly six weeks ago, as a gift to prove Jane’s lack of CBI loyalty. “Why would he waste energy on killing Patrick?” Martins’ smirk slipped and Lisbon crossed her arms against her chest, swallowing painfully. “Patrick was a good person, Teresa. He certainly didn’t deserve to go out that way.” Lisbon blinked and stared down Martins, who met her gaze without expression.

                “She had to do something, Lore,” O’Laughlin answered quietly, maneuvering his hand to cover Martins’ hand. Lisbon said nothing at their sickening display of affection, her stomach twisting once Martins looked away. “Half of the CBI had already fallen to _them_.” She squared her shoulders at his unnecessary defense of her actions and prepared herself for a secondary snide remark, but when nothing came from either party, she begrudgingly conceded that he had a point. If her office door hadn’t been locked at the time it happened, she probably wouldn’t have survived—and the idea of becoming one of _them_ frightened her more than anything else. Lisbon glanced away from Martins and O’Laughlin, only to find Haffner staring at her with a sad smile and she ground her teeth together.

                She didn’t need his goddamned pity. Just because she had put a bullet through Jane’s skull to save Van Pelt and Wainwright didn’t mean she wanted to sit through another round of halfhearted apologies from him. He had already apologized in her office afterwards; both of them covered in gore (for completely different reasons), and the ugly twist to his lips had told her _exactly_ how he had felt toward Jane. _You’re a bastard_ , she had screamed at him. Haffner had merely shrugged and responded with, _if you say I am_ before he had grabbed her around the waist. 

                Lisbon shifted. She hadn’t even had time to say goodbye, because the _bastard_ had yanked her from the CBI (with an unconscious Van Pelt and Wainwright in tow) before she had time to fully comprehend what had even happened.  

                “Quit it now, all of you,” Haffner snapped, effectively forcing both Martins and O’Laughlin to still. Lisbon’s eyes flickered between the both of them, studying their distant expressions with her head slightly tilted. “If you cannot get along, I’ll have to ask you to leave.” Martins immediately shot from her spot on the couch and Haffner followed, towering over her slightly. “Be smart about this, Ms. Martins. You, of all people, should know the consequences of leaving.” Martins’ cheeks tinged red, before O’Laughlin grabbed her arm and had yanked her back down onto the couch. Lisbon would have snorted at how _subservient_ Martins behavior seemed, if not for the look of absolute _loathing_ Martins was shooting her.

                “Don’t be an idiot, Lorelei,” O’Laughlin mirrored Haffner’s response with a hiss, as Martins crossed her arms against her chest. “You saw what those _things_ did first hand; so, don’t tell me you want to go out and join them.” Martins recoiled, while O’Laughlin jerked his head toward Haffner. “I’d like to see you attempt to kick us out though.” Haffner didn’t seem too amused. “You wouldn’t last five minutes without us.”

                “And _yet_ , I saved you all,” Haffner snidely remarked, before he stood and left the room without a secondary glance.

                O’Laughlin flipped him off.

 

::::

 

                Leaning his head against the concrete wall, Luther Wainwright continued to grimace. His arms had been pinned above his head and no amount of wrist rotations would return feelings to his limbs, which had clearly long fallen asleep. He supposed he should be panicking (or, the very least, looking for an escape route) but after screaming, _“You can’t keep me in here!”_ for the past hour hadn’t gotten him anywhere, he had suddenly realized how screwed he was.

                He had _just_ barely survived his encounter with Red John (and had just been released back to duty _after_ weeks of intensive therapy) only for someone to kidnap him and kill him in a _basement_? The irony of it all wasn’t lost on him, as he continued to grimace before he cursed the Serious Crimes Unit, whose antics had probably once again forced him into being a victim.  

                Wainwright knew he should have followed Susan Darcy’s example of an early retirement, instead of returning to the CBI; but no, he just _had_ to show everyone that Red John couldn’t scare him away from the Special-Agent-in-Charge position. His parents had told him he was foolish and now, here he was, paying the ultimate crimes for being stubborn.

 

                Suddenly, he heard a door opening and Wainwright blanched—remembering how Red John had grabbed him from behind, had told him he was _going to die_ , and had smiled at his pleas for help.

                _I’m going to die_ , he thought tugging violently at his restraints.

                “Help!” He screamed, ignoring the _snap_ above his head. “Someone help me! I don’t want to die!”

 

::::

 

                “It’s one thing to be _kidnapped_ from the CBI,” Lisbon chided, upon Haffner calling her to deal with Wainwright’s breakdown. “But a completely _other_ matter to be shoved into a _basement_ and left completely alone without answers. You really _are_ a bastard.” Haffner said nothing to her as she sat on the cold ground, her legs curled beneath her while she attempted to calm Wainwright’s erratic heartbeat. “You’re not going to die, sir.”

                “I had no idea he was going to react to my presence like that, Teresa,” Haffner explained with a frown. Lisbon rolled her eyes. He _had_ known, considering she had warned him prior to his restraint of the Special-Agent-in-Charge _just_ in case the younger agent exhibited any symptoms of otherworldliness. Ten hours later, however, Wainwright had remained unchanged and that eased Lisbon’s guilt slightly. “I attempted to tell him of your presence, but he kept going on and on about not dying.” Haffner paused for a moment. “Can I ask why he’s…?”

                “No.” She heard Haffner sigh, before she returned her attentions on Wainwright. “Against my better judgment, sir, I allowed Agent Haffner to restrain you.” Wainwright blinked a few times. “I apologize, but we had good reasons for doing so.” Or so, she supposed Haffner did. It probably wasn’t a good time to tell him that she had also been following the advice of a well-known Red John supporter.

                “They better be damn near amazing, Agent,” Wainwright rasped out and Lisbon relaxed. “I don’t…I don’t appreciate being restrained like this.” He pinned her with a stare that spoke volumes.

                “I know you don’t, sir,” Lisbon said again.

                “If it helps,” Haffner input. “It was for a good reason.” Both Lisbon and Wainwright turned to stare at Haffner, who had moved to lean against one of the concrete walls. “California’s been overtaken by robots, and well, Patrick Jane attempted to kill you.”

                Wainwright sputtered. “W-what?”

                It was Lisbon’s turn to sigh. Whatever happened to decorum? She felt Wainwright’s stare and Lisbon crossed her arms against her chest. “He’s right, sir. I don’t know how to explain it, but robots overtook the CBI.”

                Wainwright blinked again and then, he laughed.

                “At least he’s not screaming anymore,” Haffner offered, unhelpfully. Lisbon rolled her eyes.

 

::::

 

                “So,” Grace started, staring at Lisbon in disbelief. “You’re telling me that the CBI was overtaken by robots, Jane was somehow affected as he attempted to kill us all and Haffner rescued us?” Lisbon nodded with her mouth dry. “Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?”

                “Unfortunately, yes,” Lisbon admitted with a grim smile. Grace remained silent. “I know I’m asking a lot of you to believe me on this one, Grace, but I wouldn’t lie.” Sitting across from the redheaded agent and sipping coffee, Lisbon (as weird as it sounded) thanked God that Grace hadn’t been rewired. “California, according to Haffner, has been taken over by robots.”

                “Like _Terminator_?”

                “Like _Terminator_ ,” Lisbon agreed. Grace appeared almost thoughtful. “One moment, I was sitting in my office, regrouping files, and the next—Jane was inside, insisting he was going to _fix_ me and all of humanity.” Lisbon shook her head, recalling her motions after Robo!Jane had attempted to swipe at her with his metal hands. “I was attempting to fend him off, when you entered.” Grace frowned. “Robo!Jane came at you and…” She buried her head within her hands, before she felt Grace’s hand on the small of her back. “I honestly have no other way to...”

                “You did what you had to, boss,” Grace interrupted and Lisbon’s stomach rolled. “If you hadn’t…we probably wouldn’t be alive right now.” Lisbon removed her head from her hands to stare at Grace, studying the redhead’s calm expression. “What happened to Wayne and Cho?”

                Lisbon’s mouth went dry again. “I…I don’t know.”

 

::::

 

Lorelei leaned into Craig, a forbidden thought having crossed her mind. “How do you think your ex-fiancé will react once she sees you?”

Craig eyed her. “It’s all water under the bridge now, Lore.”  Lorelei shook her head and nearly sighed at his naivety. “What?”

“You don’t understand women at all, do you?”

“I kept Grace happy for a year, didn’t I?” Craig asked without batting an eye.

“You also _betrayed_ her and _shot_ her boss,” Lorelei counter-argued. Craig’s mouth opened and then, promptly shut again. “Women just don’t forget things like _that_ , O’Laughlin. This goes _way_ above forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.”

                “Grace will have let it go,” Craig argued with a bright smile, while Lorelei groaned. “You just wait and see, Lore.”

::::

 

                Van Pelt waited nearly two seconds upon seeing him, before she slammed her fist into Craig’s nose. “You _fucking_ bastard! I hate you!”

                Lorelei laughed, Craig glared, and she _thought_ she heard Haffner mutter something akin to _god, help me_ as Lisbon “attempted” to pull Van Pelt away from killing Craig with her fists as his nose gushed crimson.

 

::::

 

                “Are you two quite finished yet?” Haffner eventually asked, after Grace had come _dangerously_ close to ruining O’Laughlin’s future chances of procreation. “Because, _in case you’ve all forgotten_ , we’ve got other more important matters at hand to discuss.”

                “World repopulation?” Martins offered, innocently. Everyone (aside from Haffner and Martins) sputtered and seemed _horrified_ at the idea of being with anyone in the room _that_ way. “No? Okay then, let’s move along.”

Lisbon shook her head, still looking relatively horrified at the off-handed suggestion of _world repopulation_. “Why would you _even_ bring it up?”

“I’m _obviously_ suggesting it to be through,” Martins answered with a shrug and everyone turned to stare at her. “What if we’re the last humans in California?” Her statement received silence, as the group reflected on Martins’ statement. If they _were_ the last humans left in California, it meant the suggestion of _world repopulation_ wasn’t too far from the actual truth. “I’ve read enough zombie apocalypse books to know it’ll eventually need to be discussed.”

 

::::

 

                “What _if_ we are the last humans on earth?” Wainwright asked Lisbon and Grace. Grace shrugged her shoulders and Lisbon grimaced. “I’ve seen _Terminator_ and nearly all of the apocalypse films to know how this ends for us all.”

                “This isn’t the apocalypse,” Lisbon argued, because she had always imagined _the_ _apocalypse_ as fire and brimstone—not as fucking goddamned robots.

                Wainwright sputtered. “If it’s _not_ the apocalypse, Agent, then how do you explain it?”

                Lisbon eyed him. “Do I _look_ like an expert on apocalypses to you?”

::::

 

                “I didn’t know you had a thing for zombie apocalypse novels,” Craig commented as she tended to his _very_ swollen and _very_ tender nose.

                “Guidebooks. I have a thing for zombie apocalypse _guidebooks_ ,” Lorelei replied, rolling her eyes. He offered her a sweet smile, before he flinched and Lorelei smirked. “I warned you, didn’t I?”

                He grimaced. “Do any of your _guidebooks_ have instructions on what to do if you’re stuck with a pissed-off ex-fiancé _and_ her boss that you shot in an end-of-the-world scenario?” He paused to stare at her expectantly. “Because flowers, cannibalism _or_ massive amounts of fire power don’t seem to be proper responses here.”

                “I can lend you _How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Natural Disasters_ ,” Lorelei answered, most unhelpfully.

                Craig glared and in response, Lorelei tweaked him on the nose.


End file.
